I've decided to create my very own blog.
Why?
I want to show others what it's like being someone else.
I would like everyone to understand that surprisingly, the people around you have feelings, secrets, and lives too.
I will try to post here at least once a week and share with you an experience in my life that has a lasting impact on how I feel for the rest of the afternoon, day, week, or even month. I hope that anyone who reads this will enjoy these reflections, but most importantly also take something out of them.
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I hop into our family car and patiently await the arrival of my mom who has decided that us two are going to church on this lovely Friday evening. As always, I turn on the radio, tilt my head back and relax for the few minutes while she's getting ready. Finally she appears in the doorway and we're off. During the thirty minute ride we begin to talk. At first, she asks about school, friends, the usual. But then she suddenly stops, turns off the music, and decides to switch over to her undeniably most favourite topic. She peers at me from the side, and in a very serious tone begins yet another lecture.
"Demoralizing"
"Sinful"
"Wicked"
"Unnatural"
"Evil"
"Incapable of Love"
"Destructive"
These are words I hear all too often. Of course, they're about me. At this point you may stop and wonder why any mother would use such words to describe her son. Well, as always, there's a catch.
She's talking about homosexuals, homosexuals like me.... It's been almost 7 months since my parents discovered that I was gay thanks to some pictures that I out of pure stupidity uploaded onto my computer. Since then my family life has turned upside down. No one else knows. I still have to maintain my cover, put on that mask; but I don't know how much longer I will be able to manage - I can feel it slowly slipping.
My parents, especially my mother, come from a severely religious background. For them God and the bible come first, and only later do they stop and think about others. In my opinion, Christianity is mainly about two very important concepts: "treat others the way you would like to be treated" and "love thy neighbour as you would God". Why then are most Catholics set on hating and persecuting homosexuals? Why should heterosexuals and homosexuals be treated differently and have different rights? That's like saying women should be considered inferior to men, or that black people are only good for slavery... oh wait!
Anyways, these thoughts aside, my mother continues bombarding me with her sayings and mottos about sexuality. I find it appalling that someone who has no idea what it's like to be gay can be so vocal about the issue. What can I do, after all she was brought up this way. You can't sway forty something years of backwards thinking. Kudos to those who are trying to change society for the better, but it will definitely take time. Recently, I watched two music videos - Katy Perry's Firework and Pink's Raise Your Glass, both featuring a short scene with two gay guys kissing. Let's not forget about lesbians, though.
After a while, I zone out and stare at my face in the side mirror. The big nose, small lips... I'm not remarkably ugly, but then again neither am I super attractive. For the rest of the carride, I tune my mom out and think about why I feel the need to be pretty, and why everyone but a select few always think they're never good enough.
We arrive at church and walk into the huge hall. We take our regular seat - right in the first pew, just in front of the altar; fitting for the religious family that we are. The mass begins. Suddenly I notice that the super cute altar boy that I've always liked is here today. My heart flutters, and I proceed to eye him for the next hour.
But then I realize that he's much too good for me, and probably very straight with a long line of girls just waiting for him to say the magic words. My heart sinks.
The mass ends. We drive home in silence.
